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Fatherhood Career
Loftus married Jennifer Anne Sheppard, who chooses to go by "Jill" for reasons we still don't fully understand and is another Wiki altogether, in 1985. They had two miscarriages and for some sinister reason, decided it would be funny to give these same names to their later children. While only their middle names, sources have confirmed that this was a weird and fucked up thing to do. This marriage would move Loftus from the north side of Brockton where he was born to the south side of Brockton. To native Brocktonians this means a real shift in thinking and behavior, but to most it meant about two and a half miles. He is a father of two - Jamie, aged 24, and Benjamin, aged 20. From 1990 to 2001, he was also a secondary father figure to his eight nieces and nephews (Tamra, 27; Aaron, 27; Chloe, 25; Emily, 26; Sam, 22; Cole, 21; Hannah, 21; Molly, 18), who were at the residence twelve hours a day at the day care his wife ran out of their home. He did not like when any of these ten children would wake him up. He really did not like the fixation one of his nephews had on his ears, but they're fine now. Loftus has been sober since July 2, 1994, and that's very cool as well. Events Loftus attended over the year include over twenty-five dance recitals, some thirty soccer games, one season of coaching a terrible kid's basketball team, one season of coaching an even worse kid's softball team, around twenty road races, fifteen school plays, twenty-four high school band concerts, thirty rides to the college radio station for the 2-6AM shift, one ride to the college radio station for the 6-10AM shift on Christmas, five graduations, at least a thousand rides to various practices, rehearsals and part time jobs, and even though he is a hockey reporter, not one hockey game ever. Some of Loftus's fatherhood career highlights include: '"Now you have to watch me lick the bag." (2003): '''This incident took place on the way to his mother's house in Maine with his kids, a trip where he would stop at a Tim Horton's and purchase one coffee and a maple frosted donut. Twenty minutes after Loftus drove away from the Tim Horton's, he asked his six-year-old son Ben to pass him the maple donut - unfortunately, Ben had sat on it. To punish his children, Loftus pulled over and said, "Great, now you have to watch me lick the bag." Then he forced his children to watch him eat the squished maple donut, then lick the frosting off the bag before continuing to drive north. '"There is no bat in the house. Oh my God, duck-" (2007): 'This was spoken after his daughter insisted there was a bat in her room, then finding out in real time that she was, in fact, correct. '"Your mother is pissed off about the safari." (2008): 'This was on the final Loftus family vacation. '"Kids, look! Entenmann's! Okay, fine, fuck you." (2009): 'During the separation of Mike and Jill (who remain friends ), Mike and his children would sometimes share a very small bedroom in his mother's house and all sleep in the same twin bed and were all far too old for this to be cute. To diffuse this discomfort, Loftus would often walk to the convenience store before Jamie and Ben woke up and buy a breakfast treat. One day, he woke his teenage children up by saying "Kids, look! Entenmann's!" and displaying the boxed pastry he'd just purchased. When the response did not meet the enthusiasm he'd hoped, he dropped the box on the ground and said "Okay, fine, fuck you." '"My dad likes punk rock music." (2010): 'Since his father Bernard Loftus's passing in 1994, Loftus has spread various false rumors about his straight-laced, hardworking ancestor. "My dad likes punk rock music" is something he will tell people on his father's birthday, and also on his "death day," a day where he would force his family to sing "Happy Death Day To You" up to heaven in case Papa Loftus could hear. '"We will have french fries." (2011): 'This statement is from when his daughter decided to write about strippers for her freshman sociology paper, not realizing that 18-year-olds could not get into strip clubs in Boston. Instead, she was forced to ask her dad to drive her to Randolph, MA on a Wednesday "18+" night and sit with her at a table while she "observed" strippers, which she did not, because she was scared. The staff assumed that Loftus's daughter was his girlfriend, which given the environment made sense, I guess. Whenever he was asked if he would like a dance, Loftus would respond, "We will have french fries." His daughter got a B on the paper. ' "I can't even make a cheeseburger. I am a fucking loser." (2010): 'Shortly after living on his own for the first time in his life, Loftus struggled to adjust to the nuances of the Foreman grill he found in the basement and cooks most of his meals on to this day. When his daughter came home from college, he screamed this statement to no one after a cheeseburger he was trying to make fell off the grill, and took a walk for about three hours. '"I am an orphan." (2015): 'After his mother passed away in 2015, Loftus became very attached to his newfound identity as an orphan, frequently referring to himself as "Orphan Mikey." '"I killed a bat and threw it into the woods." (2016): '''This was something that Loftus did last year.